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Husbands Secret Life
I've been married for almost 14 years to my second husband. I've always felt that he has a "secret life" and that he is hiding something from me. The first couple of years of intimacy were exciting and new. It didn't last long -- I've felt sexually deprived for over ten years. I've become sick of complaining. I found out that he visits prostitutes and recently found print outs of trans sexuals. I'm feeling very used. I'm finally putting all the pieces together. He is either bisexual or homosexual. We have one son --which was really difficult to conceive because he doesn't ejaculate very easily. My instincts are telling me this is the huge reason why he has refused marriage/sex counseling. I'm not happy and I want out, but feel heartbroken for what it'll do to my son. I'm suffering in silence and don't know how to face him and what a separation can do to our son. I don't want to feel lonely, depressed and betrayed...
Hello A:
First you are right there is a hidden part of your husband's life and I doubt he is really clear about it himself. Because you mentioned the different sexual interest areas, transexuals being one, I contacted a colleague who is a clinical psychologist and a world wide authority on transgenderism about your question and below in parentheses is her comment.
""I think that this woman is very right about her husband having a "secret life", but I am not sure that her conclusions about his sexual orientation are accurate. My recommendation is that they be referred to somebody who is very knowledgeable about sexual and gender conditions. The husband may himself be gender dysphoric. << Feel his sexual interest and focus does not match with the physical body - he has a male body but internally identifies with being female. This is not the same thing as gay or lesbian, that refers to who you are attracted to which is someone of the same sex.>> Clearly, the husband would not be comfortable, initially, meeting jointly with the therapist, but ultimately that would be the goal. If you are able to ascertain their location, I can help you locate a referral.""
I echo her recommendation and then you can start your own healing process for yourself and your son. Believe me when I say he isn't "doing this" to you I am sure he is as confused and conflicted as you are if not more so. He seems to searching for what sexually interests him.
No one should remain in your current emotional state, and as hard as dealing with this is at this point you know you do not want to have this situation remain staus quo. So congratulations on addressing it and if you would like a referral please let my office know at office@loupaget.com. And you can check out www.aasect.org as a start.
Best, Lou
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Masturbation Pregnancy Question
Hi Mauli:
I am not sure if you are talking about someone who is pregnant or wanting to be pregnant. I will answer as if a woman is already pregnant. Orgasm pre-pregnancy or wanting to become pregnant is considered to be beneficial to move the semen into the uterus enroute to the Fallopian tube where fertilization takes place.
When I wrote Hot Mamas I consulted medical experts with obstectrial practices for the often asked question "Will an orgasm cause a miscarriage or initate premature labor?" If a woman is pregnant and has had her health professional tell her she has a normal healthy pregnancy with no complications then the amswer is NO.
This is how Dr. Jules Black described to me an orgasm could initate labor. Imagine an apple on a tree. When it is growing and not ripe nothing will cause it to drop from the tree. However once it is ripe and READY to fall then wind or rain can make it fall. Until the stage of pregnancy when the woman's body is ready for delivery of the baby then an orgasm usually after her due date may start labor.
Also know that the contractions of an orgasm are mainly vaginal/genital in focus with some uterine contractions and feel very different from delivery contractions.
Best, Lou
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Not Having Sex
Question:
Hi Lou,
I have been with my partner for 8 years. Intimacy was well balanced and succulent the first few years. In the past five plus years, the intimacy has diminished to pretty much nothing. I have asked about what is going on for her, she says she just does not feel horny that it is likely pre-menopause symptoms (age 46) that she has financial and work stress, all along with tennis elbow. She has never indicated verbally or behaviorally that anything else is going on. She did have an affair in the first year of our relationship. She is 10 years older than me and I sometimes wonder if perhaps she views herself as being in the mother figure. I asked her this, and she denied this was a fact. I have asked her to see a Doctor, and she did go. The doctor said that there are no physical reasons for her lack of feelings. I have asked several times if we could see a therapist together and she adamantly opposes this suggestion. I have definitely heard of the lesbian bed death thing where 2 women spend so much time together, the whole intimacy thing falls by the way side. Even if this were true, when we are apart for longer periods of time, no romance occurs.I keep waiting giving her space waiting and waiting for her to take some initiative to work on herself. I.m not particularly willing to part from her for this reason alone, however, I.m 36 and I feel more than alive and romantic. Some days it eats me up to the core. But, I also don.t want to wait another 5 years, wake up one day, and realize that everything is still the same. I believe intimacy is important without it, were just roommates. Do I stay or do I go? Do I push or do I give her space? What could the problem be? What are some solutions?
Wilting Further Every Day
Lou's Answer:
Dear Wilting Further:
In any relationship you have to weigh the benefits and it seems your heart is not being heard by your partner and that is the downside that will have you leave this. You have already waited five years, so what I would ask is what is likely to change over the next 6 months or year or 5 years that would have your partner be more interested in the physical and emotional side of your relationship? Has she made any efforts to be more emotional/romantic/physical with you and then stops after a brief period of time? Does she realize the gravity of this? Do you want to make this relationship work?
I don't think her tennis elbow or pre-menopause are going away but they are physical reasons and they are concrete reasons, hence MD for physical okay to see, will validate, but they seem to me to be masking her real emotional/psychological reason for withdrawing.
That she doesn't want to see a therapist tells me there is something she doesn't want exposed and she is staying emotionally withdrawn and distant. And that behavior is keeping that secret/embarrassment safe but is also creating an emotional chasm between the two of you. Let's be candid our brains, our mental capacity hence our emotional capacity keep us romantically and physically connected.
Here is what I would ask; What was the trigger event that had her withdraw? I'd also ask if she has stopped doing other things she typically enjoyed after your first two years together? Does she have the same pattern in previous relationships? Is she questioning her sexual identification?
Many people stay in relationships because they feel this is a good as it gets, I don't want to be alone. However I will bet you even though your partner is there, there is no place lonelier than your bed when you are there together. She may well be loving you the best way she can it just isn't the way you need to be loved.
If I may I'd like to ask your permission to refer you to a fellow Sex Educator Therapist who herself is lesbian and specializes in this in her practice. I feel she would have much greater expertise to address your relationship concerns.
Further response from Wilting:
Thank you so much for responding! Please do send a referral.
To answer some of your questions:
Yes, she has made brief attempts over the years, and then they dwindle to nothing again. I.m really not certain if she realizes the gravity of it all. I absolutely want to make this relationship work . everything is great except for this aspect.
What was the triggering event? To be honest, I can.t even remember.. Nothing substantial or important that I can recall. It just started to dissipate . then I realized what was happening and discussed it with her. She has appeared to stop doing a lot of things she liked doing . she pretty much just works, comes home and sleeps . works on the house on her time off. I don.t think she had the previous pattern in her previous relationship . but I will ask her about that to clarify. She was in a 12 year relationship and her partner cheated the last 3 years or so of it and ended up leaving her for another woman. She is absolutely not questioning her sexuality, although I must admit, I have my days where I question mine.
Thanks again for your feedback.
Lou.s Answer:
Dear Wilting:
I give you kudos for addressing a heartfelt part of your life that isn.t being taken care of in your relationship even though other parts are just fine. You are not willing to just let it coast and cost you your potential passion.
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Send Me Your Thoughts Or Questions
Posted on January 3, 2007 9:05 AM
Chris Burgess:
Hi Lou, two great sites. I will put them both on my website for women on page 4 which deals with womens sexuality issues. I am just about to add more items to it in the next couple of days. Just a suggestion, your blog doesn't seem to have a next article or previous article link. This would make it much easier to surf/navigate. We do not have your show here in Australia. Although if you dropped in for a holiday for a few days, maybe some interviews on the radio (I have contacts), would remedy that.
Cheers
Chris Burgess
PS. Any chance of a link back?
Posted by Chris Burgess | March 8, 2007 10:58 PM
Posted on March 8, 2007 22:58
No Sensation with Intercourse:
Whenever I'm having intercourse, I have no sensation when a man is inside of me. There's no sensation when he enters me. Nothing. On top of that, I feel discomfort sometimes. I talked to my GYN & everything is normal. She said the discomfort could be from my partner bumping my cervix.
I don't think this lack of sensation is normal. Friends say they feel "something good" when they're having intercourse. It may not result in orgasm, but there is a good sensation. Am I doing something wrong? Do I need lubricant? Do I need a pillow or a special position? Do I need some sort of vaginal surgery? I haven't had a lot of partners, but this has been the common theme with all of them - in every position. I really WANT to feel that great feeling others have from intercourse. The only time I have any sensation/good feeling is clitoral stimulation.
Please help me! I really want to have great intercourse, not just good foreplay.
Posted on April 20, 2007 17:11
Schweizer Andrea:
Hello Lou
Do you planning an seminar in switzerland or germany? Maybe we could work together and organize one in zurich. Best regards Andrea Schweizer
Phone 0041-44-869 20 04
Posted on May 13, 2007 04:29
Rich:
I saw you years ago on Real Sex, and recently on the Best of Real Sex. You are incredibly smart and sexy. The next time I'm in LA, I would love to buy you dinner.
Posted on May 24, 2007 03:12
Koreen :
Hiya!
I am a huge fan of yours and think your books are wonderful.
I live in Montreal and am a full time student so I can't make the trips out to the states, so I was wondering if in your plans you were headed out to Montreal?
Take care,
Koreen
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Is She Having An Affair
Dear Lou;
My girlfriend has a lot of guy friends calling our house & she calls her ex from her cell & he calls her. We are having problems & she doesn't get horny anymore. Is it over or what?
-Confused
Dear Confused:
I will answer this as if I were your older sister. For whatever reason, and I am not privy to the problem details, she is having her behavior speak louder than her words and her behavior says I am distancing from you, no longer interested in being intimate with you, and anytime a women has a lot of men calling her she is giving off the vibe/signal/message choose your term she is available and on the market. Your girlfriend's behavior is broadcasting she no longer feels the connection to your relationship. You obviously share a home and most people do not move in together on a casual basis they do so because they want the exclusive access sexually and emotionally to that person.
Likely 6 months ago she started telling you things that were a problem for her and these things were not, have not been addressed or resolved. And here's the pattern, women will tell a man what they are concerned about, what is not working for them and if after x number of times of bringing it up (usually about 10 times) there is no change in his behavior or reaction the woman stops mentioning it and starts tallying the number of times it happens. And that starts the erosion of emotional connection, she mentally notes each time it happens. Men often think once a woman stops talking about something, "Oh good its no longer an issue she stopped talking about it". Couldn't be further from the truth. These issues can be anything from dishes in the sink, translation he is being inconsiderate and she feels he expects her to do the cleaning, to contributions on shared expenses, he expects her to pay more often than he does, he is late on his contributions to bills, he cancels their plans and leaves to go golfing/play poker or whatever translation she isn't important enough to him, she isn't a priority. You might see a pattern here, she does not feel heard or respected. Those two feelings will create more distance and coolness than just about any others in relationships and one of the first places emotional disconnects show up is in the bedroom.
There is some light at the end of this tunnel she may be doing this to get YOU to pay attention to her. You have some work ahead of you to reestablish your relationship as a priority. When was the last time you treated one another the way you did when you were first together? Are you both focusing so much on your careers you let the focus on the two of you slip? The reason people create the financial security and the homes they want is so they can share them with someone yet we often start on a slippery slope of taking their presence for granted once someone is around us and we don't have to work so hard at the relationship. Oh yes you do, perhaps even more so. It is called attention, attention, attention. And your attention to her was what had her respond to you in the first place you can do so again and take the place of the others who are now paying attention to her.
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Penis Slips Out
Question:
1. When my boyfriend and I are having sex his penis slips out sometimes. It happens during all positions, whether from behind, me on top, or him on top. I am so embarrassed! Is this common? What can I do to keep it from happening? Please help!
Lou's Answer:
First may I ask why you are embarrassed? It is his penis not your vagina that is doing the majority of the moving so he has more responsibility to maintain contact. Also please know this is a very common occurrence especially during rigorous sex. Before I go further were we together I'd ask you, did you have a partner say you were too loose or large? That may well have been in relation to his penis size and not have been an accurate comment. Did you read somewhere that if you weren't tight enough he would fall out? Not necessarily so that is a matter of positioning and motion. You can test your vaginal tightness quickly and privately with two of your freshly washed fingers, no need to introduce unfriendly bacteria into oneself. Insert them gently and tighten your PC (pubococcygeus )muscle, the one that you contract to stop the flow of urine, around them, if you feel a tightness like a pencil line on the sides of your fingers your PC muscle may need some exercise. If it feels like a broad elastic band you may be in fine pelvic shape and may just need regular flexing, use a minute of 5 second contractions morning and night or use a daily occurrence as the prompt such as at any stop lights.
The tightness factor of a woman is about the toned nature of the PC muscle that controls the tightness of the first inch and a half of the entry into the vagina. Any woman who has ever used a tampon knows when she isn't sexually stimulated the tampon needs to be guided in, the unstimulated vagina has a space potential like that of a glove yet once a woman is stimulated the vagina swells and lifts up into the woman.s lower pelvis to accommodate the penis. This is Mother Nature preparing for sex. For many women there is a distinct difference in tightness post a vaginal delivery especially if there was long protracted pushing, the pelvic ligaments get stretched and unlike a muscle they do not contract back.
For any of these positions the simplest solution is to reduce the length of the thrust regardless of position. In the Woman On Top you are much more in control and the internal "poke" factor of an up and down motion tends not to be the most satisfying rather a rocking with the clitoral area being pressured against the partner.s pubic area. In the rear entry position the responsibility to remain inside is his so he needs to adjust his motion as I will answer below there isn't a lot you can do to adjust as you have little to no body motion. The same answer for man on top as the partner on top controls the majority of the motion, the staying inside you is his responsibility.
Having said all of this may I remind you this is very common and often a source of fun and amusement for couples, laughing and fumbling to get back into action.
Question:
2. When we have sex in the doggie-style position it is hard for me to move or do anything but hold the position. I feel like he is doing all the work. Do you have any ideas for moves while in this position besides holding the pose?
Lou's Answer:
He is doing all the work and likely he is getting a lot of reward from it, watching himself thrust in and out, the heightened smell of sex, the sound of his thighs slapping against your buttocks, and the more animal nature of it, the "taking you from behind" factor. In order for rear entry to be successful one partner has to remain as stable as possible in this case you. Should you want to increase your enjoyment consider holding onto a head board using one arm and using a vibe or your fingers clitorally on yourself. Some women who have delivered vaginally find this is one of their most pleasurable positions as the more flexible vaginal vault post delivery allows the head of his penis to stroke firmly over the G spot area.
Question:
3. On oral sex: I really enjoy performing oral sex on my man as long as he climaxes within ten to fifteen minutes. Any longer that that and I get tired! What are some nifty tricks that will bring him straight to orgasm during oral sex?
Lou's Answer:
Trust me you are not alone in your mouth and neck and back getting tired. One reason it may be taking so long is you are with a man who masturbates VERY firmly and you are not mimicking the sensation his nerves have gotten used to.
TIP: To ensure full sensation build up do not stop 2/3 of the way through and start flicking the top of his penis with your tongue because your mouth is tired. Male sexual response is like that of a steep mountain slope and as such once you get to very firm levels of sensation and pressure, close to the to p of the slope, you must maintain them or the sexual buildup rolls back down the slope and you have to build it back up again. The SOLUTION is to use your hand and mouth in concert, keep them attached together like you are blowing a large horn, imagine there are ball bearings on your lips.
There are 4 motions involved:
An up and down motion on the shaft with your mouth and attached hand. Your attached hand extends the area you can stimulate from 3 inches to 6 and acts as a safety ring so he cannot thrust into your mouth and have you gag unexpectedly AND your hand creates the pressure so your lips wrapped over your teeth do not have to so. This saves on the inside of your lips, your jaw as your hand creates the pressure and your throat as you do not have go down so deeply.
Your hand is rotating up and down the shaft in a loose figure 8 motion. These two motions together along with the constant back and forth motion of your tongue on the back of the glans (head of the penis) will create intense sensations for him. Your free hand is stroking any close by skin to build sensation around the groin area. Consider fingertip sensations as fingernails can be tickly.
Question:
4. Also, is there any way to avoid deep throating and still give a satisfying blow job?
Thanks! I really appreciate your help!
Lou's Answer:
Deep throating is mainly a male preoccupation from adult material. Hence that is why many men ask for it, probably only 25 % of women are comfortable doing it. Its enjoyment factor for most women is the pleasure it gives them to pleasure a man. And then there are some women who love the feeling of power they have over a man when they do oral sex well. This is what I say to men who say they want their partner to do it better I hand them a 6. Instructional Product "dildo" and tell him this is a tool for HIM to demonstrate on to show her the technique he'd like her to use on him. Some men are up to the challenge some not but the majority have no idea of how to create the sensation they say they want.
And might I remind us, "blowing" has nothing to do with this.
In How to Be a Great Lover I cover oral in detail with illustrations.
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She Does Not Like Sex Anymore
Question:
Hello Lou,
I have thoroughly enjoyed reading your books. I am a 43 year old man that loves his wife dearly. The problem is she never wants to have sex. It's been 6 weeks since we have had sex. I am trying to be patient; however, I don't know what to do. I have read your books and I want to please her and love her all the time but she doesn't seem interested in sex at all. She says she loves me she just doesn't like sex anymore. Do you have any suggestions that might help?
Thanks;
Desperation
Lou's Answer:
Dear Desperation:
I am so glad you enjoyed my books now let's see if there is something more that can be done for you. May I say your situation is one of the toughest and most entrenched intimate issues that surfaces for many couples, yet having said that it does not mean it is a static never to change issue.
What it does mean is that both partners have to be very vulnerably honest with one another as to what and why they need/desire/cannot live without sex or have no interest. To get to a possible solution you need to ask yourselves these questions:
Do You Want This Marriage To Work?
First and foremost are you committed to making your relationship work? Is she? For if only one of you is willing to make the effort, despite all the words said, someone's behavior always tells the tale as to whether they do or do not want the relationship to continue.
When/Why did it Happen?
Was the withdrawal of intimacy and sex a gradual one or of a rapid onset? You say 6 weeks which makes me think this has had a fairly recent onset and you want to make sure it doesn't continue longer. Is it a physical reaction to you as a partner or an emotional one? Was it always like this? I would doubt you would marry a woman who had no interest in sex. Did she enjoy sex and then changed right after you were married; AKA what men have referred to as .false advertising? Was there a change after children or an emotional distancing event? Has she gained a lot of weight and doesn't feel good about herself. Is she no longer physically attracted to you because of_______? Is there a scar or something she feels diminishes her appeal? Did you have an emotional relationship outside of your marriage? Does she have friends who are in similar situations and she seems to be mirroring their relationships?
Given that you will know when a question genuinely applies to you once the two of you, (and perhaps just yourself. it is perfectly okay to answer separately and compare answers later) - have honestly waded through these questions, it is time for you to look at what you might have done to shift the situation.
The Changing Nature of Intimacy:
Many couples are not as well prepared as they think they will be for the natural ebb and flow of sex in a long term relationship but it seems you are hearing "no sex" and that can sound like a stonewalling move on her part. "She loves you but doesn't like sex anymore." Now, does that mean she doesn't like it or isn't interested in how it has happened? Perhaps she would be more interested if there were more things that made her feel physically more connected to you; translation is that it feels better for her. Only the two of you can answer that. Please know sex and any type of intimacy are like learning the best dance steps that work for you and your partner, and sometimes it's the quick-step and sometimes the two-step feels best. Your choice.
Your wife may not be aware of what primal importance it is for men (any man) to be able to be physically loving/sexual with their partner. For most men there is nothing that so powerfully connects them to their maleness as being able to be sexual with their partner of choice.
Although I'm approaching this answer from a male perspective, I know there are many women who are not getting the loving they want and they too have experienced the lasting sting of rejection. That sting stops many from approaching their partners again and eventually leads to emotionally separation.
Is there a close friend of yours or a therapist who can be an impartial sounding board for you two? The only two people who really know what is going on inside a relationship are the two people in it, and that also means that only those two people can make it work.
Please let me know how things evolve.
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Passionless Sex
Question:
Ms. Paget,
For me sex is very mechanical. It is more work than pleasure. It's very much for my husband, who is always ready, willing and able. I don't even try anything to make it more interesting for him, because he doesn't need the extra encouragement. I never have orgasms during regular intercourse and frankly am not sure I enjoy them anyway. Plus intercourse is typically painful (easy fissures and general discomfort). I'm uptight about the mess and I just can't get into it. How can I feel passionate about this tedious task?
Lou's Answer:
Dear Passionless;
I think you have your own answer in your final sentence. Your mind set about all parts of sexual interaction are passionless and uninspired. Now rest assured I think we are all allowed to feel the way we feel we just need to know how that feeling is likely to manifest in behavior and your behavior is likely to have your relationship become strained if not end it. I won't tell you to turn on a switch, take a pill, wear a certain outfit and have desire. What I will tell you is your brain is your most powerful sexual organ and if you don't have it involved you don't have the main engine that will drive your intimacy and passion.
This is what I would ask you. Do you want your marriage to continue? Do you want it to have intimacy in it? What does that look like? Spooning in bed, sex once every 2 weeks, you taking care of him sexually, orally or manually so you can avoid intercourse? Once you answer that you can address what your marriage.s intimate future looks like.
You obviously want to take care of this but you sound like you have mentally decided you are not going to enjoy sex. Who gave you that message? You say you don't have orgasms during intercourse, join the club neither do most women they have them during oral and manual stimulation or with a vibrator during partnered sex. If the pain is a problem you should address that with a health care provider, perhaps your dyspareunia (painful intercourse) is due to not enough lubricant post a delivery, or antihistamine use, or poor hydration (not enough water in your system). Are you totally irritated at your husband and there is an unspoken issue that hasn't been addressed?
The "mess thing" I can't help you with; let.s be honest sex is messy, it is hot, sweaty, moist and often noisy. Tidy has rarely been used to describe sexual activity. I would suggest you visit www.aasect.org and see if there is an AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists) Therapist in your area who might help you address your issue. Take heart in the expression, Glass ½ full, Glass ½ empty was made for your situation. Now it is up to you. Do you want a love life that is full or empty? Your choose.
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High Sex Drive or Sex Addict
Question:
Dear Lou;
I adore sex and have stayed in relationships way longer than I should have because of the regular sex; sometimes it was so-so and other times it knocked my lights out it was so great. The relationships finally end when the love ends. Once that's gone I'm gone. I don't sleep around and only have sex with one person at a time when I am in monogamous relationship. I can live without sex but don't like to as I crave it, but when I am with someone I want it all the time, sometimes 2-3 times a day. I do masturbate especially when I am single, but not every day. I have read about sexual addiction and one of my girlfriends said I must be a sexual addict because I need and want it so much. Now I'm worried. Am I? Am I a borderline addict or what? I am 35 year old woman.
Sexual in Seattle
Lou's Answer:
Dear SS:
It sounds to me that you have a naturally high sex drive and are not an addict at all. I will compare and contrast the statements of your sexual behavior with examples of sexually addictive behavior so you can see why I say you are not a sexual addict.
1. You are only having sex with one person and you are choosing to be sexual in a monogamous relationship with a supportive healthy emotional connection. (Normal behavior) A sexual addict would constantly be looking for a new sexual partner. Then, who or what they seek is not as important as the high they get from the sexual conquest. There is no healthy emotional connection. They use the sex to numb themselves from their feelings. (Addictive behavior).
NOW there can be sexual addiction within a monogamous relationship/marriage when the only way the partners relate is sexual in lieu of a true healthy love. This can happen when a couple intellectualizes and tricks themselves into thinking that the constant sex means they love one another when there is no emotionally sourcing or connection between them, and the sexually addicted partner demands and extracts sex from the other partner with no concern for the emotional impact; (Addictive behavior).
2. You love the sex for the sex and crave it because it feels so good for you. (Normal behavior) An addict is addicted to the chase not the enjoyment of the sex. And once the orgasm is over there is can be despondency, embarrassment and disgust, sometimes a vowing to never do this again. (Addictive behavior) This is not to be confused with the buyer.s remorse of one-night stands when you know what you are getting into with these encounters.
3. You are not disrupting your life, putting your job, relationship, reputation or finances in peril to find a steady stream of new sexual partners. (Normal behavior) Sexual addicts will spend money they do not have and time they do not have to prowl bars and anywhere elsewhere to get a sexual fix... and/or they will miss work and lose jobs because they are too exhausted, do something socially inappropriate; they will put themselves in risky situations physically, and legally, risk arrest, to get a sexual fix. (Addictive behavior)
4. You do not appear to be lying. (Normal behavior) As I was told by a friend who has been sober 18 years, .Addicts will lie even when the truth would serve them better.. (Addictive behavior) Author James Frey .Million Little Pieces. is an example of an addict who hasn.t done his work on his addictive acting out and continues to lie.
5. You do not sound depressed. Many addicts are depressed.
And here is the tough thing about sexual addiction, as my addiction experts have told me, sexual addiction often manifests after another addictive behavior has been dealt with, drugs, alcohol, gambling, over-eating or love. The other things that makes sexual addiction tough to define, either therapeutically or by personal introspection, is that our society has being sexually active as the goal in many social encounters so that if a person is getting lots. they are likely to be congratulated not questioned.
Should you want more information my experts suggested I guide you to one of the best laymen books on sexual addiction Out of The Shadows by Patrick Carnes. He is the original founder of two pioneering hospitals for in-patient and out-patient treatment of sexual addiction, Golden Valley in Minnesota and Del Amo Hospital in Del Amo California.
You sound fine and I thank you for the question as I know this area of addiction is rarely addressed by those who are acting out in sexual addiction and for those they seek help from who do not recognize it for what it is.
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Actions Speak Louder Than Words
Question:
Hey Lou,
I am a 30 yr old female who has been dating someone for a year and I feel pathetically vulnerable sometimes in bed at night when he doesn't want to have sex because he's too tired or it is too late. I don't want to give up my pride again and make the first move in order to get the sex I so crave. I don't feel that it's my duty to do so as a female. However during the day if he wants it, I usually give it to him without satisfying myself because he's always rushing me. Isn't that pathetic? I'm very attractive and feel as if my life is passing me by and this should be the best sex time in my life ever. I tried by not giving him sex at all and that just makes him not want to have it at all. Am I waisting my life away or what?
Lou's Answer:
Dear S:
I will evaluate this situation by looking not at his words, because there don't appear to be any, and words rarely tell the truth, and instead I will focus on his actions or lack thereof to help you understand this. You know there is something seriously changed and chances are you are right. His abrupt behavior change is telling you he wants distance and no connection with you. No speaking/ emotional and no physical/sexual. And as harsh as this may seem in print I know you know this inside of you. Any man who has had access to and enjoyed sex 3-4 times a week who all of a sudden stops has a pretty good reason or drive to 'cut himself off'.
The why he is acting this way is subject to conjecture. Have you been pressuring him for a commitment after 3 years? Because you are living together or because you are college students and with graduation you will no longer be together on the same campus. Perhaps he feels backed into a corner? He obviously liked having sex with you on a regular basis, being with you but now knows" Hey I'm only 21 and I need to have more women." Is he getting sex elsewhere? Is there another person? Most 21 year old men have their male friends as more important than a woman so maybe there was peer pressure. Has there been a huge event happen in his family that may have impacted him unlike you could know?
Many times in life people will have their behaviors say what their mouths cannot. In this case he wants distance or the end of your relationship and he is setting it up by treating you this way so you do the ending because he can't, or so he doesn't have to. Either way the result is the same. Now please pay close attention to this, know that HIS behavior is not because of you and there is likely little to nothing you can do to change his behavior, no showers no making moves, ONLY he can change his behavior. You are responsible for yours, you can't create his. This will help you to not make yourself crazy that you could have done something.
Please know he may have said things to you that he truly meant when he was 18 and you were first together but as you know we change so much from 18 - 21 and what he said at first still is true for then, but not for now. You love this man, and chances are he will always have a part of your heart; our first loves generally do. They set a pattern for how we connect and attract people into our lives.
I trust this helps.
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